Humor Files - seinfeld

Some choice quotes from Jerry Seinfeld...

    ON CLOTHES

.....I once had a leather jacket that got ruined in the rain. Why does
moisture ruin leather? Aren't cows outside a lot of the time? When it's 
raining, do cows go up to the farmhouse, "Let us in! We're all wearing
leather! Open the
door! We're going to ruin the whole outfit here!"


    ON DATING:

.....Dating is pressure and tension. What is a date, really, but a job 
interview that lasts all night? The only difference between a date and a job
interview is that in not many job interviews is there a chance you'll end up 
naked at the end of it.  "Well, Bill, the boss thinks you're the man for the 
job. Why don't you strip down and meet some of the people you'll be working
with?"

      ON SEX:

....Seems to me the basic conflict between men and women, sexually, is
that men are like firemen. To men, sex is an emergency, and no matter what 
we're doing we can be ready in two minutes. Women, on the other hand, are 
like fire. They're very exciting, but the conditions have to be exactly 
right for it to occur.

......Men and women all in all, behave just like our basic sexual elements.

If you watch single men on a weekend night they really act very much like
sperm - all disorganized, bumping into their friends, swimming in the wrong
direction. "I was first." "Let me through." "You're on my tail." "That's my 
spot." They're like the Three Billion Stooges. But the egg is very cool:
"Well,
who's it going to be? I can divide. I can wait a month. I'm not swimming 
anywhere."

      ON RELATIONSHIPS

.....Why is commitment such a big problem for a man? I think that for some
reason when a man is driving down that freeway of love, the woman he's with 
is like an exit, but he doesn't want to get off there. He wants to keep 
driving. And the woman is like, "Look, gas, food, lodging, that's our exit,
that's 
everything we need to be happy...Get off here, now!" But the man is
focusing on sign
underneath that says, "Next exit 27 miles," and he thinks, "I can make it."
Sometimes he can, sometimes he can't. Sometimes, the car ends up on the
side of the road, hood up and smoke pouring out of the engine. He's sitting
on the curb all alone, "I guess I didn't realize how many miles I was 
racking up."


   ON TRAVELING

.....I was in front of an ambulance the other day, and I noticed that the
word "ambulance" was spelled in reverse print on the hood of the ambulance. 
And I thought, "Well, isn't that clever." I look in the rear-view mirror, I 
can read the word "ambulance" behind me. Of course while you're reading, you 
don't see where you're going, you crash, you need an ambulance. I think 
they're trying to drum up some business on the way back from lunch.

    ON AIR TRAVEL

.....Are there keys to a plane? Maybe that's what those delays are
sometimes, when you're just sitting there at the gate. Maybe the pilot sits 
up there in the cockpit going, "Oh, I don't believe this.  Dammit..I did it 
again." They tell you it's something mechanical because they don't want to
come on 
the P.A. system, "Ladies and gentlemen, we're going to be delayed here on the
ground for a while. I uh..Oh, God this is so embarrassing...I, I left the
keys to the plane in my apartment. They're in this big ashtray by the front 
door. I'm sorry, I'll run back and get them."

    ON DEATH

.....The Chalk Outline guy's got a good job. Not too dangerous, the
criminals are long gone. I guess thesare people who wanted to be sketch 
artists but they couldn't draw very well. "Uh, listen, Jon, forget the 
sketches, do you think if we left the dead body right there on the sidewalk 
you could manage to trace around it?"  How does that help them solve the 
crime? They look at the thing on the ground, "Oh, his arm was like that
when he hit the 
pavement....the killer must have been...Jim.

    ON DOGS

.....A dog will stay stupid. That's why we love them so much. The entire
time we know them, they're idiots. Think of your dog. Everytime you come 
home , he thinks it's amazing. He has no idea how you accomplish this every 
day.  You walk in the door, the joy of this experience overwhelms him. He 
looks at you, HE'S BACK, IT'S THAT GUY, THAT SAME GUY. He can't believe it.
Everything is 
amazing to your dog.  ANOTHER CAN OF FOOD? I DON'T BELIEVE IT.

Dogs want to be people. That's what their lives are about. They don't
like being a dog. They're with people all the time, they want to graduate.
My dog would sit there all day, he would watch me walk by, he would think to
himself, I COULD DO THAT! HE'S NOT THAT GOOD. That's why the greatest,
most exciting moment in the life of a dog is the front seat of your car.
You and him in the front seat. It's the only place where your head and his 
are on the exact same level. He sits up there, he thinks, THIS IS MORE LIKE
IT. YOU 
AND ME TOGETHER, THIS IS THE WAY IT SHOULD BE. He looks out the front. 
What's he looking at?  He's a dog. WHAT ARE YOU GOING TO MAKE - A RIGHT OR 
 A LEFT? I DON'T EVEN KNOW WHERE I AM. They have a hard time. They stand up, 
they sit down, they can'thandle the turn either way. No matter which way
you turn, he's not ready.  They don't know what to do. And then comes the
great moment of frustration. You 
stop someplace and get something to eat.. This kills him.  You get a 
hamburger, this blows his mind. INSTANT FOOD WHENEVER YOU WANT IT?  You know 
what this means to him? You ever  see the look on his face? He looks over at 
you. HOW'D YOU GET THAT? ARE  THEY GIVING IT TO EVERYBODY NOW? YOU THINK I 
COULD GET ONE?  They can't get anything.  Dogs have no money. Isn't that 
amazing? They're broke their entire  lives. But they get through. You know 
why dogs have no money?  No pockets.