Humor Files - rms

 MOUNTAIN VIEW, Calif. (April 18, 1997) -- Silicon Graphics today
 unveiled a new software product family, Cosmo[tm] Resign[tm].  Cosmo
 Resign is a Web- and Java[tm]-based, robust, flexible, scalable,
 object-oriented multimedia resignation management architecture with a
 user-friendly, drag-n-drop interface.
 
 "With Cosmo Resign, Silicon Graphics moves into the forefront of
 Resignation Management Systems (RMSes)," said Tom Jermoluk, president
 and COO of Silicon Graphics.  "Our industry-leading attrition rate
 has given us strong practical experience with resignation processes
 and paradigms.  We quickly identified the need for resignation
 management as a great market opportunity, and went from prototype to
 announcement in only one month, once again engaging in the quick
 time-to-announce that has made us the industry's product announcement
 leader."
 
 The Cosmo Resign suite includes:
 
 Cosmo Resign Create--for intuitive, drag-n-drop, plug-n-play, look-n-feel,
 beavis-n-butthead authoring of multimedia resignation letters
 
 Cosmo Resign Create 3D--for those times when a flat doodle just isn't
 enough to express the gesture you *really* mean
 
 Cosmo Resign Player--a Netscape Navigator[tm] plugin for viewing
 resignations, based on the Visual Resignation Modeling Language
 (VRML) 2.0 ("Moving Jobs") specification
 
 Cosmo Resign Color--for ensuring that the language in your resignation
 letter is just as colorful on your manager's screen as it was on yours
 
 Cosmo Resign MineSet--a powerful suite of resignation letter analysis
 tools to help gather statistics on why all those damn employees left
 
 Silicon Graphics also announced its partnership with Lateral Mobility
 Inc., developers of the popular ResumeQuik[tm], WebCounterOffer[tm] and
 X-It-InterVue[tm] products.  "When combined with Lateral Mobility's
 family of employee dissatisfaction tools, Cosmo Resign provides a total
 integrated get-out-the-door-fast solution for Silicon Valley employees,"
 said Ed McCracken, Chairman and CEO of Silicon Graphics.  "Where employee
 turnaround was once measured in years, now it will be measured in weeks
 or even days, industry-wide."
 
 The Cosmo Resign suite is slated to ship in the first half of
 calendar 199[mumble].