Humor Files - rating

                     Rating Your Party
                    ===================
                       by Dave Barry

   If you threw a party, the worst thing you could have done was
throw  the kind of party where your guests wake up today and call
you up to  say they had a nice time. Now you'll be expected to
throw another  party next year.

   What you should have done was throw the kind of party where
your  guests wake up several days from now and call their lawyers
to find  out if they've been indicted for anything. You want your
guests to be  so anxious to avoid a recurrence of your party that
they immediately  start planning parties of their own, a year in
advance, just to  prevent you from having another one.

   So next time, make sure your party reaches the correct
Festivity Level:

Festivity Level One:
=======================
Your guests are chatting amiably with each other, admiring your
Christmas-tree ornaments, singing carols around the upright
piano,  sipping at their drinks and nibbling at hors d'oeuvres.

Festivity Level Two:
=======================
Your guests are talking loudly - sometimes to each other and
sometimes  to nobody at all, rearranging your Christmas-tree
ornaments, singing  "I Gotta Be Me" around the upright piano,
gulping their drinks and  wolfing down hors d'oeuvres.

Festivity Level Three:
=======================
Your guests are arguing violently with inanimate objects,
singing "I  Can't Get No Satisfaction," gulping other people's
drinks, wolfing  down Christmas-tree ornaments and placing hors
d'oeuvres in the  upright piano to see what happens when the
little hammers strike.

Festivity Level Four:
=======================
Your guests have hors d'oeuvres smeared all over their naked
bodies,  are performing a ritual dance around the burning
Christmas tree. The  piano is missing.

   You want to keep your party somewhere around Level Three,
unless you  rent your home and own firearms, in which case you
can go to Level  Four. The best way to get to Level Three is
eggnog.

   Eggnog is a traditional holiday drink invented by the
English. Many  people wonder where the word "eggnog" comes from.
The first syllable  comes from the English word "egg," meaning,
"egg." I don't know where  the "nog" comes from.

   To make eggnog, you'll need rum, whiskey, wine, gin and, if
they are  in season, eggs. Combine all ingredients in a large,
festive bowl.  Then induce your guests to drink this mixture.


   If your party is successful, the police will knock on your
door,  unless your party is very successful, in which case they
will lob tear gas through your living-room window. As host, your
job is to make sure they don't arrest anybody. Or if they're dead
set on arresting someone, your job is to make sure it isn't you.
The best way to do this is to show a lot of respect for their
uniforms and assure them you're not doing anything illegal.
Here's how to handle it:

Police: Good evening. Are you the host?

You:    No.

Police: We've been getting complaints about this party.

You:    About the drugs?

Police: No.

You:    About the guns, then? Is somebody complaining about the guns?

Police: No, the noise.

You:    Oh, the noise. Well, that makes sense, because there are
no  guns or drugs here. (An enormous explosion is heard in the
background) ...or fireworks.  Who's complaining about the noise?
The neighbors?

Police: No, the neighbors fled inland hours ago. Most of the recent
complaints have come from Pittsburgh. Do you think you could ask the
host to quiet things down?

You:    No problem. (At this point, a Volkswagen bug with
primitive  religious symbols drawn on the doors emerges from the
living room and  roars down the hall, past the police and out the
front door onto the  lawn, where it smashes into a tree. Eight
guests tumble out onto the  grass, moaning.)  See?  Things are
already starting to wind down.