Humor Files - quips

QUOTES
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Have you ever noticed....  Anybody going slower than you is an idiot,
and anyone going faster than you is a maniac?     
* George Carlin

You have to stay in shape.  My grandmother, she started walking five
miles a day when she was 60.  She's 97 today and we don't know where the
hell she is.
* Ellen DeGeneris

I think men who have a pierced ear are better prepared for marriage. 
They've experienced pain and bought jewelry.                         
* Rita Rudner 

I'm not into working out.  My philosophy:  No pain, no pain.
* Carol Leifer

I have a great diet.  You're allowed to eat anything you want, but you
must eat it with naked fat people.
* Ed Bluestone

I date this girl for two years-and then the 
nagging starts:  "I wanna know your name..."    
* Mike Binder 

Advertising:  The science of arresting the human 
intelligence long enough to get money from it.            
* Stephen Leacock 

You have a cough?  Go home tonight, eat a whole box of Ex-Lax, tomorrow 
you'll be afraid to cough.  
* Pearl Williams

I'm desperately trying to figure out why kamikaze pilots wore helmets. 
* Dave Edison

If it weren't for electricity we'd all be watching television by 
candlelight.
* George Gobel

Don't spend two dollars to dry clean a shirt.  Donate it to 
the Salvation Army instead.  They'll clean it and put it on a hanger. 
Next morning buy it back for seventy-five cents.  
* Billiam Coronel