Humor Files - deepthou

		Deep Thoughts
		=============
				by Jack Handey


	MAYBE in order to understand
	  mankind, we have to look at the
          word itself. Mankind. Basically,
	  it's made up of two separate
	  words--"mank" and "ind."
	  What do these words mean? It's
	  a mystery, and that's why so is
	  mankind.



	IF YOU ever drop your keys into a
	  river of molten lava, let 'em go,
	  because, man, they're gone.



	MARTA talks about sensuality, but
	  I don't think she'd know
	  sensuality if it bit her in the ass.



	IT'S EASY to sit there and say
	  You'd like to have more money.
	  And I guess that's what I like
	  about it. It's easy. Just sitting
	  there, rocking back and forth,
	  wanting that money.



	I THINK a good gift for the
	  President would be a chocolate
	  revolver. And since he's so busy,
	  you'd probably have to run up
	  to him real quick and hand it to
	  him.



	WHETHER they ever find life there
	  or not, I think Jupiter should be
	  considered an enemy planet.



	PROBABLY the earliest fly swatters
	  were nothing more than some
	  sort of striking surface attached
	  to the end of a long stick.



	INSTEAD of trying to build newer
	  and bigger weapons of
	  destruction, mankind should be
	  thinking about getting more use  
	  out of the weapons we already have.



	THE crows seemed to be calling
	  his name, thought Caw.



	IF YOU GO flying back through
	  time, and you see somebody else
	  flying forward into the future,
	  it's probably best to avoid 
	  eye contact.



	TO ME, it's a good idea to always
	  carry two sacks of something 
	  when you walk around. That way,
	  if anybody says,"Hey, can you
	  give me a hand?" you can say,
	  "Sorry, got these sacks."



	IF YOU ever catch on fire, try to 
          avoid seeing yourself in the
	  mirror, because I bet that's what
	  really throws you into a panic.



	DAD ALWAYS thought laughter was
	  the best medicine, which I guess
	  was why several of us died of
	  tuberculosis.



	I DON'T think God put me on this
	  planet to judge others. I think
	  he put me on this planet to
	  gather specimens and take them
	  back to my home planet.



	IF YOU'RE robbing a bank, and
	  your pants suddenly fall down, I
	  think it's okay to laugh, and to
	  let the hostages laugh too,
	  because come on, life is funny.



	SOMETIMES I think I'd be better
	  off dead. No, wait. Not me, you.



	SOMETHING tells me that the first
	  mousetrap wasn't designed to
	  catch mice at all, but to protect
	  little cheese "gems" from
	  burglars.



	I CAN'T stand cheap people. It
	  makes me real mad when
	  someone says something like
	  "Hey, when are you going to pay
	  me that hundred dollars you owe 
	  me?" or "Do you have that fifty
	  dollars you borrowed?" Man,
	  quit being so cheap!



	IF I COME back as an animal in my
	  next lifetime, I hope it's some
	  type of parasite, because this is
	  the part where I take it easy!



	I THINK the mistake a lot of us
	  make is thinking the state-
	  appointed psychiatrist is our
	  "friend."



	IF YOU GO through a lot of
	  hammers each month, I don't
	  think it necessarily means you're
	  a hard worker. It may just mean
	  that you have a lot to learn
	  about proper hammer maintenance.



	WE LIKE to praise birds for flying.
	  But how much of it is actually
	  flying, and how much of it is
          just sort of coasting from the
	  previous flap?



	IF YOU'RE a boxing referee, it's
	  probably illegal to wear a bow
	  tie that spins or changes colors.



	WHETHER they live in an igloo or
	  a grass shack or a mud hut,
	  people around the world all
	  want the same thing: a better
	  house!



	WHEN YOU'RE going up the stairs
	  and you take a step, kick the
	  other leg up high behind you to
	  keep people from following too
	  close.



	IF YOU ever reach total
	  enlightenment while you're
	  drinking a beer, I bet it makes
	  beer shoot out your nose.



	LOVE IS not something that you
	  can put chains on and throw
	  into a lake. That's called
	  Houdini. Love is liking someone
	  a lot.



	IF I WAS being executed by
	  injection, I'd clean up my cell
	  real neat. Then, when they came
	  to get me, I'd say,"Injection? I
	  thought you said 'inspection.'"
	  They'd probably feel real bad,
	  and maybe I could get out of it.



	I BELIEVE in making the world
	  safe for our children, but not
	  our children's children, because
	  I don't think children should be
	  having sex.



	WHAT AM I afraid of? I'll tell you:
	  a feather. How could anyone be
	  afraid of a feather, you say.
	  That's an honest question, and
	  I'll try to give it an honest
	  answer. First of all, did I say it
	  was a poison feather?



	OF ALL THE warning sounds that
	  animals make, I think the one
	  that's least effective on me is
	  a kind of clicking noise.



	WHEN YOU die, if you get a choice
	  between going to regular heaven
	  or pie heaven, choose pie
	  heaven. It might be a trick, but
	  if it's not, ummmmm, boy.



	I BET A funny thing about driving
	  a car off a cliff is, while you're
	  in midair, you still hit those
	  brakes! Hey, better try the
	  emergency brake!



	AS THE LIGHT changed from red
	  to green to yellow and back to
	  red again, I sat there thinking
	  about life. Was it nothing more
	  than a bunch of honking and
	  yelling? Sometimes it seemed
	  that way.



	HOW COME the dove gets to be the
	  peace symbol? How about the
	  pillow? It has more feathers than
	  the dove, and it doesn't have
	  that dangerous beak. 



	IF LIFE deals you lemons, why not
	  go kill someone with the lemons
	  (maybe by shoving them down
	  his throat)?



	I WISH outer-space guys would
	  conquer Earth and make people
	  their pets, because I'd like to
	  have one of those little basket-
	  beds with my name on it.



	FRANK KNEW that no man had
	  ever crossed the desert on foot
	  and lived to tell about it. So, he
	  decided to get back in his car 
	  and keep driving.



	THE WISE man can pick up a grain
	  of sand and envision a whole
	  universe. But the stupid man
	  will just lay down on some
	  seaweed and roll around until
	  he's completely draped in it.
	  Then he'll stand up and go,
	  "Hey, I'm Vine Man."



	PEOPLE laugh when I say that I
	  think a jellyfish is one of the
	  most beautiful things in the
	  world. What they don't  
	  understand is, I mean a jellyfish
	  with long, blond hair.



	I HOPE they never find out that
	  lightning has a lot of vitamins in
	  it, because do you hide from it
	  or not?



	I HOPE life isn't a big joke,
	  because I don't get it.



        I BET when neandertahl kids would make a
	  snowman, someone would always end up saying, 
	  "Don't forget the thick heavy brows."  
	  Then they would get embarrassed because they 
	  remembered they had the big hunky brows too, 
	  and they'd get mad and eat the snowman.



	compiled from:
		"Deeper Thoughts" 
                             by: Jack Handey