Humor Files - cold

HOW COLD IS IT?
An annotated thermometer

+50 / +10  (Fahrenheit / Celsius)
-	New York tenants try to turn on the heat
-	People from Ontario plant gardens

+40 / +4
-	Californians shiver uncontrollably
-	Albertans sunbathe

+35 / +2
-	Italian cars don't start

+32 / 0
-	Distilled water freezes

+30 / -1
-	You can see your breath
-	You plan a vacation in Florida
-	Politicians begin to worry about the homeless
-	Manitobans eat ice cream

+25 / -4
-	Lake Ontario water freezes
-	Californians weep pitiably
-	Cat insists on sleeping on your bed

+20 / -7
-	New York water freezes
-	San Franciscans start thinking favorably of L.A.
-	Green Bay Packers fans put on T-shirts

+15 / -10
-	You plan a vacation in Acapulco
-	Cat insists on sleeping IN your bed with you
-	B.C. residents go swimming

+10 / -12
-	Politicians begin to talk about the homeless
-	Too cold to snow
-	You need jumper cables to get the car going

0 / -18
-	New York landlords turn on the heat
-	Newfoundlanders grill hot dogs on the patio, yum!

-5 / -21
-	You can HEAR your breath
-	You plan a vacation in Hawaii

-10 / -23
-	American cars don't start
-	Too cold to skate

-15 / -26
-	You can cut your breath and use it to build an igloo
-	People from Miami cease to exist
-	Canadians lick flagpoles

-20 / -29
-	Cat insists on sleeping in your PAJAMAS with you
-	Politicians actually do something about the homeless
-	People in NWT and Yukon think about taking down screens

-25 / -32
-	Too cold to kiss
-	You need jumper cables to get the driver going
-	Japanese cars don't start
-	Ottawa Rough Riders head for spring training

-30 / -34
-	You plan a two-week hot bath
-	Pilsener freezes
-	Bock beer production begins
-	NWT residents shovel snow off roof

-38 / -39
-	Mercury freezes
-	Too cold to think
-	Canadians do up their top button

-40 / -40
-	Californians disappear
-	Your CAR insists on sleeping in your bed with you
-	Quebecers put on sweaters

-50 / -46
-	Congressional hot air freezes
-	Alaskans close the bathroom window
-	Green Bay Packers practice indoors

-60 / -51
-	Walruses abandon Aleutians
-	Sign on Mount St. Helens: "Closed for the Season"
-	Ontarians put gloves away, take out mittens
-	Boy Scouts in Saskatchewan start Klondike Derby

-70 / -57
-	Glaciers in Central Park
-	Hudson residents replace diving boards with hockey nets
-	Green Bay snowmobilers organize trans-lake race to Sault Ste. Marie

-80 / -62
-	Polar bears abandon Baffin Island
-	Girl Scouts in Saskatchewan start Klondike Derby

-90 / -68
-	Edge of Antarctica reaches Rio de Janeiro
-	Lawyers chase ambulances for no more than 10 miles
-	Ontarians migrate to New York thinking it MUST be warmer south of the border

-100 / -73
-	Santa Claus abandons North Pole
-	Canadians pull down earflaps

-173 / -114
-	Ethyl alcohol freezes

-297 / -183
-	Oxygen precipitates out of atmosphere
-	Microbial life survives only on dairy products

-445 / -265
-	Superconductivity

-452 / -269
-	Helium becomes a liquid

-454 / -270
-	Hell freezes over

-456 /-271
-	Quebec drivers drop below 150 KPH on 400 highways

-458 / -272
-	Jean Cretien renounces a campaign contribution

-460 / -273 (Absolute Zero)
-	All atomic motion ceases
-	Canadians start saying how it's a tad nippy outside