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Humor Files - clinton
Clinton Joke File
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Quote at end of text is from
"Better than Sex" by Hunter S. Thompson.
=============================================
Bill & Hillary sneak away from the Secret Service &
go on a quiet little drive by themselves in the backwoods of
Arkansas. They pull up to a gas station. The attendant
walks out & when his eyes meet Hillary's the two shout out
with joy;
"Joe Bob!", yells Hillary.
"Hillary!" yells Joe Bob.
The two give each other hugs & ramble on for nearly a half
hour about old times with Joe Bob proudly telling how he
owns the gas station -and- the trailer on the lot out
back..... The car refueled Bill & Hillary drive off. After a
couple of minutes of stony silence Bill blurts out " Okay
Hillary just who the fuck was that?" Hillary explains that
Joe Bob was a beau from before she meet Bill.
Bill smirks & says " Just think if you'd married ol'
Joe Bob instead of me you be living in that tiny trailer back
there instead of in the White House."
Hillary replies "Bubba, ya big putz, if I'd married Joe
Bob...I'd -still- be living in the White House 'cause he'd be
president & not you."
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
Bill & Hillary are at a conference. They encounter
George Bush there. They chat a minute or two. George
mentions that one thing he misses about being Pres. is
flying in Air Force One.
"Just loved that jet'" says Bush.
"Hey look George, just to show there's no hard
feelings how about riding back to the USA on Air Force One
with Hillary & me?' says Bill.
George accepts the invitation.
On the way back tragedy strikes, the jet hits foul
weather & crashes into a Mt.... all aboard perish.
The three, Bill, Hillary & Bush find themselves before
God on his throne.
"And who are you three?" asks God.
"I am former president Bush.." replies George.
"Ahh, " says God. "You may sit in the assembly to my
right. And who is that other man?"
"I am Pres. Clinton, " says Bill " I am, well, was , the
current President of the United States."
"Ahh, " says God. "You may sit in the assembly to my
left. And who is the woman?"
" I am Hillary-Rodham-Clinton AND WHAT THE @$%&
ARE YOU DOING SITTING IN MY CHAIR?", shrieks Hillary.
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
Clinton, Gore and Hillary are boarding the Presidential Helicopter when
Clinton notices a $100 bill and picks it up. While the copter is in the
air Hillary tells the President to throw the bill out the window and
make some person on the ground happy. Clinton says "I'll split it into
two $50 bills and make two people happy." Then Gore says "wait I'll split
it into five twenty dollar bills and make 5 people happy, " Just then the
pilot says "Why don't you all jump out and make everyone happy!!!"
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
Bill and Al were jogging one day, and Bill says to Al, "When I get home
I think im going to rip Hillary's panties right off!"
Al says, "I didn't know jogging got you so excited."
Bill says, "Oh, it's not that, it's just that they're riding a bit high."
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
Q: What's the difference between Hillary & Liberace?
A: Hillary's aides haven't killed her yet.
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
Q: What's the difference between Clinton & Jane Fonda?
A: One of them went to Vietnam.
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
Q: Why did all the faggots vote for Clinton the last election?
A: Because faggots like assholes better than Bush.
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Q: When did Clinton realize Paula Jones wasn't a Democrat?
A: When she didn't swallow everything he presented.
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
Q: What did Hillary tell Bill when the Paula Jones story
broke?
A: "You putz I TOLD YOU to let Teddy Kennedy drive her
home!
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
Q: What did Clinton say to Paula Jones?
A: "I wanted you to 'Do my erection', -not- 'ruin my re-election.' !!"
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
Q: How's Clinton like a condom?
A: He stands for inflation, halts productivity & covers up
for pricks... but you can see right through it if you look.
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
Q: Why aren't haven't they celebrated Halloween or Thanksgiving in
Arkansas for the last couple of years?
A: Because the witch took the turkey with her to
Washington D.C.
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Hillary Clinton died and, Lord knows why, went to heaven.
St. Peter approached her and says "Hillary, I know you're
'somebody' down on Earth, but up here, you're just another
person. And, I'm swamped right now, so have a seat and I'll
get back with you as soon as I can."
So Hillary sits down and begins looking at her surroundings.
She notices a huge wall that extends as far as the eye can
see. And on that wall there are millions and millions of
clocks. She can't help notice that on occasion some of the
clocks jump ahead 15 minutes. When St. Peter returns
she asks "What's the deal with the clocks?" St. Peter replies
"There is a clock on the wall for every married man on
Earth." Hillary asks, "Well what does it mean when the clock
jumps ahead 15 minutes?" St. Peter replies, "That means
that the man that belongs to that clock has just
committed adultery." Hillary asks, "Well, is MY husband's
clock on the wall?" St. Peter replies, "Oh, hell no. God has it
in his office and is using it for an electric fan."
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
Clinton is out jogging. He passes a young boy selling
puppies.
"Buy a puppy Sir?" asks the lad.
"Oh no sorry," says Pres. Clinton. " We have a cat
already you know."
"But they are Democrat puppies, sir" asserts the
enterprising lad.
Clinton smiles, but again declines. The boy nods,
Clinton jogs on.
The next day Clinton is jogging by the same spot.
There again is the boy still trying to sell the puppies.
As Clinton jokes by he over hears the youth telling
the potential customer, "But sir these are Republican
puppies."
Clinton stops & says "Young man yesterday you told
me those were Democrat puppies."
"Well sir," explains the child. " Since then their eyes
have opened."
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
Three teenagers are walking down the beach when
they see a man drowning in the ocean. The three of them
dive in and save him. To their surprise they find they have
saved the President. When he can talk, Pres. Clinton says he
will give each of them anything they want for saving his life.
The first asks for a million dollars, Clinton says no problem.
The second asks for an F-16 Clinton says he can arrange
that too. The third guy asks to be put in the Witness
Protection program. When Clinton asks why he wants that
the teen replies "Because when my Dad finds out what I've
done he is going to kill me!!!"
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
Q: What tune does the band play when Clinton
enters the room?
A: "Don't Inhale to the Chief"
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
Q: How can you tell that the guy who attacked the
White house with a plane was insane?
A: He seems to have thought Clinton would be in
his own bedroom at night.
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
Q: What's the difference between Pres. Hoover & Pres.
Clinton.
A: One promised a chicken in every pot & the other
was an unpromising chicken who smoked pot.
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
Q: What does Hillary do after she shaves her pussy?
A: Sends him to the Oval Office to work.
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
Q: What did the LAPD case against OJ Simpson &
the way Hillary knew when Chelsea began menstruating
have in common?
A: They both involve blood spots found on Socks
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
[True Story:]
Carville was also asked why so many campaign officials had been
brought back to the White House to straighten things out. He
replied "well, it's like how many blacks you played on the
basketball team in Louisiana 20 years ago - the rule was three
at home, four on the road, and five when you're behind."
Reported in RLS Feb 26 93
[Right after he had been brought into the White House to fix
the Clinton administration's mess of things, Carville talked
about how "the President is doing a fine job, but the
problem is we don't know what to do with her husband."]
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
US President Bill Clinton plans to reduce the budget deficit by an appeal
to sacrifice. The problem, however, is that every time he gets near a
virgin...
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
Q: How can you tell Bill Clinton apart from a cow?
A: By the wise look in the eyes.
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
I heard that some of the women in Arkansas are so fast that they have to put
a governor on them!
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
"One thing's for sure about Clinton...
-- He sure doesn't neglect domestic affairs!"
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
Q: What does Gennifer Flowers do when she misses Bill Clinton?
A: Eats Waffles
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
Q: How many Bill Clintons does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: None -- He'll only promise "change."
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
Q: How do you break a Bill Clinton supporter's finger?
A: Punch him in the nose.
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
Q: What's the difference between a porcupine and Bill Clinton's campaign limo?
A: A porcupine has pricks on the outside.
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
Bill Clinton has been advised by doctors to save his voice and
not speak a single word for the next couple days.
Guess this means he'll have to contradict himself in mime...
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
Vote Democrat... It's easier than getting a job
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
You know Gennifer Flowers did a "spread" in Penthouse magazine.
That is good, for once, we get to see something Clinton has done.
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
First, Dole went to see the Wizard and said, "Everyone says I have
no compassion or feelings, I wish to have a Heart".
So the Wiz said,"So be it".
Second was Ted Kennedy. He said to the Wiz, "People think I'm unintelligent
and have no common sense what so ever...I wish to have a Brain".
The Wiz said, "So be it".
Third was Ross Perot. "People say I have no confidence and I lack conviction...
.I wish to have some Courage".
And then Bill Clinton approached the Wizard.
The Wizard looked at him, and said, "Well, what do you want?"
To which Clinton replied, "I'm here for Dorothy!"
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
What's Clinton's executive order #1?
Flowers by his bedside.
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
Did you hear that Dr. Kevorkian has renamed his death machine
"CLINTONATOR"?
Unlike a respirator it doesn't let the patient inhale.
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
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"He (Bill Clinton) is the Willy Loman of Generation
X , a traveling salesman who has the loyalty of a lizard
with his tail broken off and the midnight tastes of a man
who'd double date with the Rev. Jimmy Swaggart"
-- Hunter S. Thompson
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