Humor Files - barney

		101 WAYS BARNEY SHOULD DIE
		==========================

First of all here's "The Sound" that all Barney Haters love to hear!

The List
========

 Nitroglycerin suppository
 My First (and Last) Dr. Kevorkian approved suicide/euthanasia kit
 Paper cuts from hate mail
 Wine press
 Random act of terrorism
 Dissolved in organic solvent of choice (e.g. 1,1,1-trichloroethane,
     acetone, carbon tetrachloride)
 Clubbed by a baby seal hunter
 Exploding gas barbeque
 Date with Lorena Bobbit / Tonya Harding
 Rusty meat hook
 Pulp digester / Saw mill
 Sexually transmitted disease
 Lethal ingestion of bean sprouts and tofu
 Skydiving accident (His concrete parachute fails to open).
 Barney meets the Terminator. "Hasta la vista...BARNEY!".
 Exploding school bus
 Field trip to the Toronto Metro Zoo.  Barney loves to spread
      love and happiness to all of the carnivores.
 Childrens Tylenol laced with cyanide
 Sacrifice to a tribal god
 Fed through a branch/leaf shredder (or office paper shredder)
 Trampling by thousands of tiny spongie feet
 Asphyxiation on a twinkie
 Bungee jumping with cord tied around neck
 1000 RPM merry-go-round
 Building sandcastles in a quicksand box
 Dragged behind a schoolbus on a gravel road
 Tail caught in elevator doors
 Legalization of purple slavery
 Home lobotomy kit
 Nasal spray or eye drops replaced with concentrated acid (e.g.
    nitric, chromic, hydroflouric, sulfuric, or hydrochloric)
 Add crushed glass to his granola or high fiber cereal.
 Thrown in a vat of bleach.
 Close encounter with a white supremacist.
 Sucked into a turbo-prop engine
 Submerged into a CANDU reactor
 Swarmed by killer bees
 Purple parasites
 Kidnapped by members of the Columbian drug cartel
 Chopped up into pet food (Purina Barney Chow)
 Shintu massage as administered by a Sumo wrestler.
 Assilimation by the Borg.
 Acupunture with a nail gun
 Force fed pure sugar and caffeine until he explodes.
 Barney meets Mr. Chainsaw
 Hit and run at a school crossing
 Exploding in an industrial sized microwave oven.
 Strapped to a shuttle launch pad..3, 2, 1, ignition!
 Strapped to the heat shields of a space shuttle during reentry.
 Brain scrambled (rescrambled?) by aliens
 Body cavity search using a fish scaling knife.
 Harpooned by a whaling ship
 Dipped in liquid nitrogen, and "accidentally" pummelled with a
     baseball bat (guess they found the glass transition temperature).
 Served as Thanksgiving dinner
 Eaten by the homeless  (Barney pate anyone?)
 OOPS!  Barney shouldn't have soldered that propane tank while full.
 Mistaken for a Pinata
 Run over by a Zamboni
 "I love you" song triggers avalanche.
 "Accidentally" shoved in front of a subway train.
 Nuclear warhead explodes at ground BARNEY.
 Scientific experiments on BARNEY sublimation temperature.
 Crushed between plates in a fault line.
 Blended into McBarney shakes, and pressed into McBarney patties
     (would you like McFries with that?)
 Inquiring minds want to know...What is the tensile strength of
     Barney?
 Used as a crashtest dummy.  Listen up boys and girls.  This is
     what can happen to you if you don't wear your seatbelt.
 Barney becomes one with Oscar Mayer.
 Barney used as shark bait.
 Used as a guinea pig in a pain threshold study.
 Used in a TV commercial promotion of Ginsu Knives.  Even after
     cutting this tin can, the ginsu knives rip through purple flesh 
     with ease. 
 Diplomatic mission with Klingons
 Deep sea diving in a locked steamer trunk.
 Nato air strike.
 Live organ donor.
 Egyptian mummificaton ritual.
 Plummet into an active volcano.
 Coated in honey and fed to the fire ants.
 Conversion to sugar glazed junk food.
 Quiet dinner with Jeffrey Dahmer.
 Pilgrimage to the Holy land.
 Purple Jonestown reagent.
 Visit to the taxidermist.
 Blasted with a Neuron-T-disrupter.
 Take him off Prozac.
 Forced to watch "the Wall" video without his happy pills.
 100 hours of continuous "Black Sabbath".
 Give him a lead role in a snuff film.
 Tar and feathered by crazed parents.
 Spontaneous combustion.
 Bludgeoned to purple paste.
 Compressed to a singularity.
 Bent, folded and mutilated by the US Postal Service.
 Send him to a Bill's game dressed as a Miami Dolphin.
 The plague
 Extruded through microcapillaries.
 Forced to spend a week with Bart Simpson.
 Barney goes for a spin on a cyclotron.  Too bad about the sudden stop.
 Salt water enema.
 Pre-mortem autopsy reveals that Barney's head is full of worms.
 Massage with a stun gun.
 Heat pasteurization.
 Barney stars in an Itchy and Scratchy movie.
 Abandoned in a sensory deprivation tank.